So We'll Fight

I am not one to hold information in. Not my style. When I keep things to myself I get overwhelmed by them, I think about them constantly, and struggle with not being able to reach out. I find talking about things extremely theraputic. So here goes nothing. The past two years.

I was one of those women who enjoyed being pregnant. I loved everything about it. Sure it wasn't rainbows and unicorns at all times but I wasn't sick, and felt almost completely normal. I knew plenty of women who struggled all throughout their pregnancies to even keep food in their bellies, and I knew just how lucky I was and told myself to never take it for granted. I wondered if Heavenly Father gave me an easy pregnancy to encourage me to have a lot of kids in the future, because for me, the thought of pregnancy was a positive thing. I was more than happy to take on that challenge. Perhaps my thinking was naive and ignorant, but those were the thoughts I had at the time.

Grace was about 4 months old when I started to get the feeling like we should have another one. I kept the thought to myself for awhile. I casually posed it to Aaron one night and he looked at me like I had an eye in the middle of my forehead. So I pushed it off. Then I started wanting it. I wanted another baby. Was I ready? No. Could I handle two kids close in age? Heavens no. But I wanted another one. I didn't acknowledge that this was my sincere desire until Grace was about 9 months old. I waited a month and told Aaron when Grace was 10 months that I wanted baby number 2. We had a serious conversation about it. Our expectations, our desires, etc. Aaron said he wasn't quite ready,  so we set our sights on trying in December of 2010.

In December I got my IUD removed. I had heard stories from friends about how they got pregnant 3 days after their IUD was removed. My sister, 8 years my senior, got pregnant about 2 months after hers was removed. After mine was removed my doctor looked at me and said, "You are now fertile my friend." So this was it, no adjustment period off of birth control. I was more than ready for this. My sister was getting married in January and I thought, "I might be pregnant at her wedding!"

No dice. My brother was getting married in April and I told myself, I'll definitely be pregnant by his wedding. I wasn't. Then I set my sights on our family beach trip, there is no way I won't be pregnant. My period came during that trip. In that time I took countless home pregnancy tests, because every month I convinced myself that I was, and they all came up negative. I wanted it so bad that it hurt. I waited what felt like forever just to try again, and struggling to get pregnant wasn't part of the plan.

After 6 months Aaron and I started trying more aggressively, taking more calculated action. I read tips on how to increase your chances. Everything I read that decreases your fertility weren't issues for us. Through it all my heart was on a roller coaster. My hopes would slowly build and click higher and higher, but the ascent was long and I just had to wait for it. And then my period would come and I would crash down the other side faster than the speed of light. It would take me days to pick up the pieces of my heart. I didn't know why it was happening, we already had a baby, why was it so difficult this time?

Last month I went to the doctor. I had 10 period cycles in 9 months, and through some temperature tracking I thought I noticed a serious discrepancy in my cycle. As I presented my doctor with all of the necessary information, he concluded that the issue I came in for, wasn't actually an issue at all. But, since it had been close to a year that he would send both Aaron and I to get further testing done.

After some awkward and semi-invasive procedures, we had our answer. We had a fertility issue.

We did our research and were referred to a specialist. We decided to take a month off of trying, just to let things sink in and calm down.

We learned that our chances are less than normal. But there is a definite possibility that we could get pregnant, we would just have to put ourselves in the best circumstances and keep our fingers tightly crossed. Things could be done to improve our chances, but there were no guarantees that the process would fix the problem. During this month off I didn't allow myself to think about anything baby or pregnancy related. I got a few comments and elbow nudges, "Grace is great with my baby, I think she's trying to tell you something." (wink wink, nudge nudge). And it rolled right off my back, and I smiled because it felt good not to have it sting, because I knew she had no idea what was going on. I didn't think about it until around the time my period was due, then I let all of it seep in. The hope, the curiosity, the "people totally get pregnant even when their chances are slim when they aren't trying for it." And right on time, my period arrived. It was the first time in 11 cycles and 10 months that I didn't cry. I was expecting it, in fact, willing it to come. I thought to myself, "Wow, I must be growing up."

So, today Aaron and I stand on the starting line for a race in which we don't know the length. We don't know if we're property equipped for the terrain, we don't know how to pace ourselves, we don't know if there will even be a finish line. But we're standing here ready to fight, ready to run until our bodies give out, ready to endure to the bitter end because we know it is a cause worth fighting for. We might not get to choose when we have our kids, but we can darn well choose to fight like heck for them.

Until then, I will hold and love and swoon over the little miracle that I already do have. Because I know that she was meant for us, however she got here. I am so grateful for that little girl.