One Year Ago Today

October 24th, 2011 was the day that I found out I was pregnant with Christian. At the time he wasn't named Christian, and we weren't even aware that he was a "he." But it is a day that I will never forget. 

Driving home from our trip to Houston a few weeks ago, I was looking through the pictures on my Mom's phone and I came across this picture. It was taken the night before I found out. As I look at it, I can't help but think how the thoughts and moments surrounding this picture were, in essence, life changing for me. It was Sunday night and I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant, in fact, I was pretty positive that I wasn't pregnant. I had no idea that the following July a beautiful baby boy would be born into our family. It was just a Sunday. I wanted to be pregnant then but thought that it just wasn't in the cards for us. I smiled for the camera thinking at the time that I knew what my life had in store.

The next day would change our family forever. The next day would lead to this, and two additional pregnancy tests.

It would lead to tears, and hugs, and texts, and phone calls to any and every family member we could reach. It would lead me to feel like I was in a happy state of shock for days.

And ultimately, it would lead to July 3rd when Christian Clark would be born. The day that would change us, the day that would prevent us from ever remembering that CCB wasn't a part of our family.

Regardless of how high my "hot mess" status gets, I will never, ever, take for granted the incredible blessing that Christian and Grace are in my life. October 24th is a wonderful reminder that I wanted this. I wanted the chaos and the stress. I wanted the struggle and the tears and the fighting to figure my crap out. I wanted it because I wanted Grace, I wanted Christian, and I begged on my knees countless times just for the chance to have them. And I won't forget those days, the days that I found out my life would change, and the feelings that I had when I knew. They might seem like distant memories when there is milk spilled all over the kitchen and I haven't even looked at my shower in days. But those memories are there, constantly proving to and reminding me that this is exactly what I wanted.

And, holy moly, it is worth it.