I was talking to a friend on mine and she said "I can tell you're having a rough time when you start blogging less." I laughed because it's true. I would love to fit it in more, especially since writing is therapeutic, but when things are all wonky I just can't get to it.
Today I was on a mission. I had a meeting this morning and I prepared my thoughts and talking points. I was going to prove that despite being a wee bit of a mess, I still had my crap together. I was ready to go. But towards the end of the meeting my kids started melting down right as I was getting to my "talking points" and I tried, unsuccessfully, to not be frustrated by the situation and still make sure that the things I needed to cover were being covered. At one point Grace wanted to be on my lap but I was attempting to throw something together really quick and needed her off my lap, so I stood her next to me and she started to cry. Someone was already holding Christian for me because he woke up from his nap and wanted to be held. The stuff I was trying to cover in the meeting seemed all jumbled and I seemed, still, to be dropping the ball. Another person came and picked up Grace and spoke sweetly and lovingly to her. As I looked up I took in the moment and felt everything seep in. Both my children were being held and loved on by other people and I sat there frustrated and overwhelmed. I knew everyone saw it too. And whether or not they were thinking it, I felt like they were pitying me. My shoulders slumped. It's one thing to be a mess, but to have other people notice it and confirm it makes it even worse. I then looked at the time on my phone and suddenly realized that I was already 15 minutes late to a lunch appointment. After the meeting ended everyone helped me out to my car, because despite coming to the meeting with my crap together, I left with everything a mess. I shut the door and sat in my car and wanted to cry. The only thing preventing me from doing so was my lunch appointment that I was going to be 45 minutes late for.
I just felt stupid. The little things were causing me to trip and fall on my face, not even a big stumbling block, but a series of little pebbles strewn all over the ground causing me to slip and stumble and, ultimately, fall on my face. People were climbing trials the size of mountains and I couldn't even reach the summit of a pile of pebbles.
The past three and a half months have been filled with some exciting and beautiful moments but it has also been filled with some seriously humbling moments. On one such moment I snapped a picture. For some reason I wanted to remember this moment, perhaps as a reminder that life isn't always rainbows and unicorns. Who knows.
I kept waiting for the right moment to talk about my mess status. You know, the moment where it clicks and it all makes sense and you think "Oh, with perspective I totally understand this." But where is the fun in that? Am I right?
It's hard growing up and putting my "big kid" pants on and tackling the world. I'm realizing quickly that I can't be in control of everything, and I can't expect everyday to be a certain way. I'm learning to let the insignificant stuff go and trying to do one thing at a time because I can't do it all. There is a new normal out there and I fighting to find it.
So if you see me looking like a candidate for What Not to Wear whilst toting a screaming baby and chasing a toddler on the run, don't be surprised. It's how I roll, baby! Shoot me and air five because hot mess status is so in right now.
9 comments:
*hug*
Kara, I love your honesty! You make me laugh. You are so relatable and at least you are admitting it! We are all hot messes! I feel like a mess right now, and I only have a 2 year old, and a newborn to come... in 3 weeks. Holy cow, when she comes I am going to be a royal mess. Wish I still lived in texas and we could have a heart-to-heart!
Hang in there Kara! I was in your shoes a few years ago and all of a sudden one morning we woke up and it became easy again with two kids (somewhere between the 4 and 5 month mark). It's okay to be a total mess, and everyone understands because we've all been there. Someday you'll be the one helping someone else. ::hugs::
Oh Kara:) Those weren't looks of pity. They were looks of nostalgia. Those were "I remember those days", and "I wish I could make it easier on her". Seriously, I'd hold your little Christian and comfort sassy Grace anytime, not out of pity, but out of support and solidarity and love, and so would most moms I know:)
K, I don't know how but you can make anything funny. You wrote out how I feel 100%of the time and made it funny so I could laugh at myself I am pretty sure everyone feels like this at points in their life...at least that's what I tell myself to make me feel better! I've decided that's a big challenge for this time of my life, feeling like a wreck everywhere I go. From what I see, you've got it pretty put together, you are doing good friend! And I need to call you back, ah, or just call me again! Live you!!!
Things will go a lot better when you start getting enough sleep. It will happen.
Is it weird for me to say that I think it's easier to have four kids than two? Seriously, I say it over and over again. With two little kids its hard because they don't really talk to you. I can actually have conversations now with Scotty and Emily. Width two little kids you are still basically alone all day but have two gigantic anchors hindering everything you want or need to do. I think with older kids its fun to see them grasp reading and progress in piano and hear their stories and trials. With little kids you don't get a lot of immediate results in their growth and progress so it's hard to keep pushing concepts. I hope I'm not making you feel worse, I'm trying to tell you I understand how you are feeling. I always had creative energy to burn but couldn't do it with two kids holding me back and it frustrated me. I think I've come a long way in acceptance that this is the time for me to be raising my kids. Not much else matters. And whatever you have to do to make it enjoyable for you, do it. I have found ways to "indulge" throughout my day, which is definitely all relative, but things like sitting down and playing a game on my iPhone for three minutes. My favorite time of day is the time I sit in my car between Scotty and Emily's dismissal and just close my eyes in the front seat. Also, a huge thing I have come to figure out is to not have any expectations. Never expect that someone is going to nap for a certain amount of time, or that Aaron is definitely going to be home at a certain time. When I just do that I set myself up for disappointment and then anger. I don't know Grace well but if she's hard I can relate because Grant . I pretty much walk on egg shells around him ALL DAY. I still am figuring him out but I have found that I am better off saying yes to everything that is decently okay to give into. Otherwise he flips out, and I end up giving it to him anyways. So if I just give whatever it is right away, say its eating something on the couch, I don't send the mixed message that I said no then gave in. And that's probably horrible to do. Let him break rules, etc, but it's the only way I can deal with him and still be nice. And of course if he was making a habit out of something I would nix it. Anyways, I don't mean to sound like some Dr. Spock but I think you and I are a lot alike so I thought I would tell you that it gets easier, and much more rewarding as your kids get older and you see them actually benefitting from all your hard work. I totally get how you feel. And looking back at myself with Scotty and Emily I don't really know what I would have changed. I know for me an outlet has always been sewing. Is there a hobby you enjoy that you can kind of distract yourself with? I always like thinking about how I'm gonna design a new dress or whatever while I have a child throwin a tantrum at my feet. And also about expectations, keep them low when it comes to housework. Don't be hard on yourself. Somedays I do nothing and I don't feel one bit guilty because I know I'll make it up another day and at least the kids and I are alive and happy and that's all that matters. And sometimes I have to find ways to rebel, like starting the dishwasher when it's not full or putting aluminum in the trash. ;) for reals though, sometimes you just have to let loose a little. You're awesome, Kara! <3
Kara, you are so brave to blog about this. I almost feel bad, because I feel better knowing I'm not the only one struggling. Some days are easier than others... and honestly the days I don't look like a hot mess are more often than the days I can actually put myself together.
Hahahaha this post was awesome, and so truthful. You're conquering the world-- one day at a time (and one cup of DDP at a time!) The thing about having babies is that there's one hell of a learning curve, eh?? Currently it's 2:45 pm and I haven't brushed my teeth or changed either of the kids (or myself) out of our pajamas yet. You're not alone in your water-treading! XOXO
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