For the Birthday Girl

My life has changed quite a bit. I remember staying up late to cram for a test or to put a project together at the last minute, because procrastination is how I roll. In college I would push the limits whether it was staying up just because we could or pulling all-nighters to write a journal for a class I should have been writing one for the entire semester.

Tonight I stayed up late blowing up balloons, wrapping presents, and baking a cake for Gracie's birthday. As in I started the cake at 11:00pm, put on a movie, and now its 3:50 in the morning. Procrastination is alive and well with me. I know she won't remember any of the things that I put together, but I wanted it to be special. I know her eyes will light up when she sees a room full of balloons that she can kick around. She'll have fun tearing the paper off of her gifts and making a mess. I hope she eats her cake this year, instead of crying, and digs her fingers deep into the frosting. I want her to celebrate, have fun, and be happy on this day. Because this day two years ago was a big day for me and I want her to know how grateful I am.

She has made me a better person. As a parent I am definitely flawed. My methods change, my consistency isn't top notch, I'm forgetful, and I get flustered. But she loves me still. She loves me at my weakest moments and the times when I want to give up. She loves me when I'm sad, when I'm happy, and when I just don't have the time. She is resilient and understanding, and forgives me instantaneously. And despite seeing me minutes earlier she will hold my face in her hands and say "I missed you Mama."

I thought I knew what life had in store for me on that first day that I held her. I thought I knew how it would work and what our relationship would be like. I thought I had it all figured out. I didn't, I had no idea. It's been harder, and better, and more rewarding. I've felt a range of emotions that I never knew existed, and I've loved harder and felt it deep in the fibers of my being more than I ever thought possible. A part of my soul lives in that little body of hers and it will always be there.

These two years are just the beginning.

Happy 2nd Birthday Grace.