I Just Love Her

Does this picture make you smile?

It makes me smile. Grace is a crack up, pulled this face all on her own. I can't tell you how many times I've found my way into iPhoto just to look at. She kills me.

She is a good kid, a really really good kid. I'm just sad that it took me 18 months to realize all of the difficulties of parenting came from me being crazy-sauce. I had a mold and an idea about what parenting was like. As if it was 95% nurture, and 5% nature. I felt like the responsibility of making Grace into a good person rested solely on my shoulders. I pushed and shoved and tried to fit Grace into that mold. She pushed back and refused to be shoved in. I would get frustrated. It wasn't going the way I wanted it to go. In my desperate attempt to make my child great I was finding myself angry and stressed and overwhelmed.

One day, about 7 months ago, Grace was throwing one of the biggest temper tantrums I had ever witnessed. The thought came to me, "Just love her." And as odd as it may seem, in that wildly chaotic moment, I fell in love with Grace. I had always loved her, but in that moment it became deeper and stronger. Everyday I would get on my knees and pray that I would put my philosophies aside and "just love her."

Recent events have allowed me the opportunity to focus solely on Grace. Aaron and I started trying for another baby about nine months ago. With each passing month and each negative pregnancy test, I felt myself struggling. I had doubts and fears, I felt ashamed and scared, I felt incapable. I found myself on my knees a lot. During those months I continuously had to remind myself to live in the here and now. Everyday I became more grateful for Grace. When I just loved her, I saw her for who she was, and she was incredible. Last month when I realized my period was starting, yet again, I felt a hole. It hit me harder that time than any other time in the past. I walked into my living room and fell on my knees and cried. My shoulders shook as the tears fell. Grace walked across the room and looked at me. I knew that she had never been taught how to console someone and through my tears I wondered what she would do. Would she know what to do? She leaned over to meet my eyes and asked "Okay, Momma?" and I said, "I'm okay, just sad." She paused for a moment then turned and sat on my lap. I cried harder and wrapped my arms around her. Holding her in my arms filled that void I had felt moments earlier. I was so grateful to her in that moment for knowing exactly what I needed, even when I didn't know. I felt guilty for trying to fit her into a mold when the one she came in was better than the one I thought she needed.

And I just love her to pieces. Everyday is better than the next. Everyday I realize how lucky I am to have her. While I'd love it if everything went my way, I'm realizing that without these past nine months I might not have seen what was right in front of my face. A tiny little girl with a plan all her own. A little girl that is mine and that loves me. It's no wonder her name is Grace.